Men and women are different. Men have a set of needs different from women. And typically these needs are rated differently by spouses. So, inevitably what happens is that a man’s needs aren’t met by his wife and a woman’s needs aren’t met by her husband. They are playing by two different playbooks and may wind up playing against one another, despite being on the same team.
So what needs to happen? Husbands need to meet the needs of their wife and wives need to meet the needs of their husband. This actually reminds me of a story I once heard about a person who dreamed they went to hell. The people they saw were sitting around a table full of food. Yet they were all starving. They couldn’t bend their arms at the elbow and thus couldn’t eat. The dream shifted and the dreamer found themselves in heaven around the same table full of food. The people sitting around were fat and well fed, despite not being able to bend their elbows. The fed each other.
This, essentially is what Harley describes in his book. Husband meeting the essential emotional needs of his wife and the wife meeting the essential emotional needs of her husband. By doing so, deposits are made into one’s “Love Bank” and over time, love increases for one another. This in turn prevents the spouses from looking outside the marriage for the fulfillment of the needs.
What are the essential emotional needs? They are affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty/openess, attractive spouse, financial support, domestic support, family commitment and admiration. What order do they fall? Well, that depends on the individual. Harley includes his questionnaire to help identify the top emotional needs and create discussion between the two individuals, thus stripping away ignorance.
This is a great book and Donna and I will begin reading it together and answering the discussion questions. I hope this will help solidify our marriage and allow our love for one another to grow that much more.
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